A recent poll conducted by "Parenting" magazine shows parental preference happens in 90% of families. It can be particularly baffling when a parent normally has a good relationship with their child. I am sharing this information at the request of several of my students who are dealing with this issue. When a child plays favorites it can be a sign that he/she feels close to you. "He is secure enough in your love to know that he can jilt you and still get a warm welcome back," explains Krista L Swanson PhD, a child psychologist at the Early Childhood Center at Cedar-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.
4 Reasons Your Child Plays Favorites
1. Phase of Development
- 2 and 3 year olds are notorious for insisting their favorite parent do everything for them to the exclusion of the other parent. This shows a strong sense of independence. Separation and attachment at this age also show a growing imagination.
- 2 year olds show fierce preferences, such as when they will only eat macaroni for a week. They show the same fierce preferences with parents, try not to take it personally.
- 3 and 4 year olds, developmentally, are starting to become less egocentric and more able to understand feelings and point of view of others. Although kids this age still may pick a favored parent they may be able to understand the other parent has feelings.
- 4 and 5 year olds are beginning to understand positive and negative feelings about another person so they may choose the parent they are having the most positive feelings about.
- 7 to 9 year olds are learning others have a point of view other than their own but they still struggle to see differing views at the same time.
2. Relating to the Same Sex Parent -
- When 3 year olds notice the differences between the sexes they start to identify with the same sex parent.
- Between 4 and 9 years of age kids prefer stereotypical boy or girl toys and activities.
- At age 6 to 7 years old children more easily remember information consistent with their gender stereotypes.
- Adolescents have a particular affiliation with the same sex parent as they head into young adult hood.
3. Novelty or Familiarity -
- In some situations the child prefers the parent they spend the most time with and is most familiar with.
- In other cases the child prefers the parent who spends the least time with them and presents a sense of novelty and something "new".
- This may sometimes depend on the child's temperament trait of "regularity" and her need for routine or lack of routine. Temperament Traits http://resourcefulparents.blogspot.com/2015/02/good-parenting.html
4. Fun Parent -
- It is common for the fun parent, the parent who plays with the child the most to be the favored parent.
- The more easy going parent, the parent who disciplines less is sometimes the favorite. Of course avoiding discipline (teaching) and dealing with challenging behaviors to be the favored parent is ill advised.
7 Ways To Deal With Parental Preference
1. Spend Time with Your Child - Take time everyday to play with your child and do things they want to do. Follow his lead. This is called Child Directed Play, you can read about it here -
2. Take Over The Care Giving - If your child is favoring the parent who does the most care giving take over routine care giving even if the child objects. You can reassure your child, "I can help you".
3. Be The Fun Parent - Switch roles and have the favored parent take care of making dinner to give the less favored parent an opportunity to play and be "the fun parent".
4. Set Consistent Boundaries - Both parents develop and abide by the same age appropriate boundaries and discipline (teaching). This helps your child feel secure. Further reading on setting boundaries here Positive Discipline
5. Include The Less Favored Parent - When your child chooses one parent and excludes the other the favored parent can invite the less favored parent to join them. The favored parent can tell the child, "I like playing with Mommy. I want her to play too."
6. Acknowledge The Feeling, Limit The Behavior - Take time to talk to your child at a time other than when an incident of parent favoring has just happened. It is always best to talk about an issue during a calm time.
- Acknowledge the child's feelings, "It sounds like you like to have time alone with Daddy. How do you feel when you want just Daddy?" If the child can put his feelings into words listen empathetically and validate the feelings. If he said, "I love Daddy more" you could say, "You feel like you love Daddy more and it is okay to feel that way".
- If your child is having trouble expressing his emotions you can help by saying, "Do you feel you love Daddy more or do you just want time with Daddy by yourself"? Then let the child know it is okay to feel that way.
- Set limits while exploring strategies to deal with the problem. Use an "I" message to briefly tell your child how you feel, "It hurts my feelings when you say you don't love me" or "I feel bad when you say you only want Daddy". Then explain, "It is okay to feel that way and it isn't okay to say that to me, what can we say instead?" Is it acceptable to you to have your child simply say, "I'd like some Daddy time".
- When your child says, "I don't love you Mommy" you tell him it is okay to feel that way but it isn't okay to say it because it hurts your feelings. You can tell him you love him. Feeling secure in your love will help him explore and express his feelings.
7. Schedule Time With The Favored Parent - As well as alone time with the less favored parent having a regularly scheduled time with the favored parent may help. Explain to your child, "You will have special alone time with Mommy every day and the rest of the time is family time".
Children who choose favorites are secure in the unconditional love of the unfavored parent and they know it is "safe" to exclude a parent and that parent will still love them. Rest assured your child loves you just as much as his favored parent. Be consistent in how you act and react to your child's parental preference and know this phase will pass.
