3 Musts For Preschool Parents

I am excited for the new school year to begin.  Over the next few weeks all the NSC affiliated cooperative preschools will have Fall Orientation.  Although orientations are informative and necessary to get us all on the same page going into the school year they can be long and sometimes an overload of information.  I try and keep my part of orientations brief as the focus is on the nuts and bolts of starting preschool.

In preparation for working as an assistant teacher in the classroom there are 3 things I would like every parent to do.

1. Avoid saying, "Good Job".  (More on that in another blog post)
2. Use Descriptive Commenting. (DC)
3. Play, explore, have fun and follow the children's lead.

Descriptive Commenting is a way of communicating with children that shares in the child's enjoyment of an activity.  Descriptive Commenting is commenting on exactly what you observe without value judgments or quizzing.  For example when a child is building a tower with blocks simply say, "You are putting the red block on the green block" or "I see you are stacking the blocks". At the play dough table a comment might be, "Sam is rolling the play dough and Jane is pounding it with a cup" or during outside play a comment might be, "You are going up the stairs and down the slide!"

Teacher Tom is brilliant at using the term "I wonder" as a way to avoid questioning and quizzing kids yet opening up possibilities for extending the child's play, creativity and scientific process. For example if a child is painting and about to mix blue and red paint rather than asking, "What color do you think blue and red make?" or informing, "Blue and red make purple", you'd say, "I wonder what color it will make when you mix blue and red".  

Descriptive Commenting may be referred to as "broadcasting" because it can be like a sports commentator describing the action on a playing field.  Although DC is sometimes called a "running commentary" I think talking to children continually while they are playing is intrusive.  We all need mental as well as physical space to play, create and experiment.

Descriptive Commenting can also be very helpful in handling conflict in the classroom.  As happens with young children there will be times when they grab toys from one another, push, crowd and hit.  When you observe these behaviors  intervene by gently putting your arm around or between the kids to stop the physicality of their conflict (safety first).  In the case of a child grabbing a toy from another child say, "John is playing with that.  You can have a turn when he is done." If there is another toy that is the same or similar you can say, "Here is one for you".  Very young children will likely be upset when they have to give a toy back and sympathizing can be helpful., "I know you want to play with that. It is hard to wait".  In instances of hurting behaviors we make the observation, "You hit her.  Hitting hurts and that made her cry. Let's be gentle."  In all cases of conflict give the child an alternate, more acceptable behavior such as, "You can say, "I want a turn" or "You can say, "stop".  

Descriptive Commenting can be a great tool for extending a child's vocabulary, encouraging social skills and emotional literacy as well as engaging with children in the classroom.

The Favorite Parent

"Mommy I don't love you" or "Daddy I love Mommy more than you" are words that wound the heart of every parent who hears them.  As difficult as it is to be the least favored parent it isn't personal.

A recent poll conducted by "Parenting" magazine shows parental preference happens in 90% of families.  It can be particularly baffling when a parent normally has a good relationship with their child. I am sharing this information at the request of several of my students who are dealing with this issue.  When a child plays favorites it can be a sign that he/she feels close to you.  "He is secure enough in your love to know that he can jilt you and still get a warm welcome back," explains Krista L Swanson PhD, a child psychologist at the Early Childhood Center at Cedar-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

4 Reasons Your Child Plays Favorites

1.  Phase of Development 

• 2 and 3 year olds are notorious for insisting their favorite parent do everything for them to the exclusion of the other parent.  This shows a strong sense of independence. Separation and attachment at this age also show a growing imagination. 
• 2 year olds show fierce preferences, such as when they will only eat macaroni for a week.  They show the same fierce preferences with parents, try not to take it personally.
• 3 and 4 year olds, developmentally, are starting to become less egocentric and more able to understand feelings and point of view of others. Although kids this age still may pick a favored parent they may be able to understand the other parent has feelings.  
• 4 and 5 year olds are beginning to understand positive and negative feelings about another person so they may choose the parent they are having the most positive feelings about.
• 7 to 9 year olds are learning others have a point of view other than their own but they still struggle to see differing views at the same time.

2.  Relating to the Same Sex Parent - 

• When 3 year olds notice the differences between the sexes they start to identify with the same sex parent. 
• Between 4 and 9 years of age kids prefer stereotypical boy or girl toys and activities. 
• At age 6 to 7 years old children more easily remember information consistent with their gender stereotypes. 
• Adolescents have a particular affiliation with the same sex parent as they head into young adult hood.

3. Novelty or Familiarity - 

• In some situations the child prefers the parent they spend the most time with and is most familiar with. 
• In other cases the child prefers the parent who spends the least time with them and presents a sense of novelty and something "new".  
• This may sometimes depend on the child's temperament trait of "regularity" and her need for routine or lack of routine.  Temperament Traits http://resourcefulparents.blogspot.com/2015/02/good-parenting.html

4. Fun Parent - 

• It is common for the fun parent, the parent who plays with the child the most to be the favored parent.  
• The more easy going parent, the parent who disciplines less is sometimes the favorite.  Of course avoiding discipline (teaching) and dealing with challenging behaviors to be the favored parent is ill advised. 

7 Ways To Deal With Parental Preference

1. Spend Time with Your Child - Take time everyday to play with your child and do things they want to do.  Follow his lead.  This is called Child Directed Play, you can read about it here - 

Child Directed Play 

2. Take Over The Care Giving - If your child is favoring the parent who does the most care giving take over routine care giving even if the child objects.  You can reassure your child, "I can help you".

3. Be The Fun Parent - Switch roles and have the favored parent take care of making dinner to give the less favored parent an opportunity to play and be "the fun parent".

4.  Set Consistent Boundaries - Both parents develop and abide by the same age appropriate boundaries and discipline (teaching).  This helps your child feel secure. Further reading on setting boundaries here Positive Discipline 

5. Include The Less Favored Parent - When your child chooses one parent and excludes the other the favored parent can invite the less favored parent to join them.  The favored parent can tell the child, "I like playing with Mommy.  I want her to play too."

6. Acknowledge The Feeling, Limit The Behavior - Take time to talk to your child at a time other than when an incident of parent favoring has just happened.  It is always best to talk about an issue during a calm time.  

• Acknowledge the child's feelings, "It sounds like you like to have time alone with Daddy. How do you feel when you want just Daddy?" If the child can put his feelings into words listen empathetically and validate the feelings. If he said, "I love Daddy more" you could say, "You feel like you love Daddy more and it is okay to feel that way".
• If your child is having trouble expressing his emotions you can help by saying, "Do you feel you love Daddy more or do you just want time with Daddy by yourself"? Then let the child know it is okay to feel that way.
• Set limits while exploring strategies to deal with the problem.  Use an "I" message to briefly tell your child how you feel, "It hurts my feelings when you say you don't love me" or "I feel bad when you say you only want Daddy".  Then explain, "It is okay to feel that way and it isn't okay to say that to me, what can we say instead?"  Is it acceptable to you to have your child simply say, "I'd like some Daddy time".
• When your child says, "I don't love you Mommy" you tell him it is okay to feel that way but it isn't okay to say it because it hurts your feelings. You can tell him you love him. Feeling secure in your love will help him explore and express his feelings.

For more reading on emotion coaching, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

7. Schedule Time With The Favored Parent - As well as alone time with the less favored parent having a regularly scheduled time with the favored parent may help.  Explain to your child, "You will have special alone time with Mommy every day and the rest of the time is family time".

Children who choose favorites are secure in the unconditional love of the unfavored parent and they know it is "safe" to exclude a parent and that parent will still love them.  Rest assured your child loves you just as much as his favored parent. Be consistent in how you act and react to your child's parental preference and know this phase will pass.

The Most Important Attribute of Kindergarten and Preschool Programs

In the Pacific NW it is time to register children for next year's preschool and kindergarten classes.  In the U.S. the link between students' standardized test scores and school rankings has caused an alarming, developmentally inappropriate "push down" of early academics into kindergarten and further into preschool. However, evidence shows a play based program will lay a strong foundation for a successful academic career.

For young children "play" and "learn" are synonymous and intertwined.  According to the National Association For The Education of Young Children (NAEYC), "Kindergarten is a time of change, challenge and opportunity.  In many ways, kindergarten classrooms unfortunately bow to the pressures and look more like a primary classroom than a kindergarten".  http://www.naeyc.org/files/naeyc/file/positions/position%20statement%20Web.pdf

According to NAEYC there is considerable research that supports the Developmentally Appropriate Practice (DAP) of using a variety of play based teaching strategies for the education of kindergarten children such as;

• soci0-dramatic play for self-regulation

• block building and board games for mathematics

• singing and playing rhyming games for phonemic awareness (the ability to work with individual sounds in words, a foundation for reading)

• small group story book reading with opportunities to talk about what is read for learning vocabulary and background knowledge

• while playing restaurant or describing their drawings or doing their own writing children gain literacy skills

 Social, moral and emotional development is also facilitated through play and is hugely important to all areas of academics and life.

In, "Developmentally Appropriate Practice: Curriculum and Development in Early Education" Carol Gestwicki wrote,  "Children aren't just pitchers to be filled with knowledge.  They must be active participants in constructing their own knowledge, play is the context for this active learning. It is through play that children literally teach themselves". http://college.cengage.com/education/course360/child_dev_and_curr_111194220X/gestwicki85549_1111185549_02.02_chapter02.pdf

Intellectually 5 and 6 year olds have a big shift in development, that form the basis for their approach to life long learning, in these areas: 

• personal responsibility

• self-direction

• logical thinking

Parents of very bright children often mistakenly assume their child needs more than a play based program.  Robin Schader Ph.D., parent resource advisor for the National Association for Gifted Children said, "When it's fun and playful, that's when it gets into your head.  Neuroscience research confirms it is pleasure that makes our brains want to repeat and remember an activity, and it's that kind of natural repetition that fuels learning".  This helps explain why play is how children learn best.

A new play based Kindergarten program at Woodland Park Cooperative is now registering children for Fall 2015.  Only a few spots are left.  For more information, here is a link to the program  http://woodlandparkcoop.com

For further reading on this topic and ideal programs see Part 1 and then Part 2 of Teacher Tom's blog, "A Great Teacher is A Great Artist".   
http://teachertomsblog.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-great-teacher-is-great-artist-part-
two.html

Play based cooperative preschools in the Seattle area can be found here;
http://coops.northseattle.edu

Good Parenting

9 Things You Need To Know About Your Child

After talking with Teacher Tom at the end of class one day about accepting kids for who they are and then reading his blog, "Good Parenting",
http://teachertomsblog.blogspot.com/2015/01/good-parenting.html, I was inspired to share information about temperament.

Teacher Tom wrote, "If the day ever came when we were able to accept ourselves and our children exactly as they and we are, then, I believe we would have come very close to an ultimate understanding of what "good parenting" means". This is so true. The acceptance that Teacher Tom writes about, I believe, is based on understanding and working with temperament.

Temperament is a set of innate/inborn traits that help define our own unique character. There is a biological, neural, hormonal and hereditary basis for temperament.  Temperament describes how we consistently respond to the world over time.  Although there are no good or bad temperament traits it is the extremes of temperament, either low or high, that tend to be most challenging.  Based on the research of Thomas and Chess, there are 9 temperament traits.

9 Temperament Traits 

1. Activity Level - Refers to basic energy level; quiet and relaxed or on the move & busy.
2. Regularity - Are eating, sleeping and elimination times predictable and regular or irregular?
3. Adaptability - The ability to adapt to changes in routine, expectations, and schedule, and recover from disappointment and upset.
4. Approach/Withdrawl - How a person initially reacts to a new situation or person.
5. Sensitivity - How sensitive the person is to potentially irritating stimuli such as sound, smells, temperature, texture (foods, tags in clothing, etc).
6. Intensity - How strongly the person reacts to negative or positive situations; laughs & cries loudly or more subdued.
7. Distractibility - How easily the person is distracted by stimuli (noise, movement, smells) when trying to focus.  People who often or always "hyper focus" on things to the exclusion of all else are actually distractible.  They have to block everything out in order to concentrate on the tasks at hand.    
8. Quality of Mood - The amount of pleasant and cheerful behavior (positive mood) as contrasted with fussy, sad and negative.
9. Persistence - How long the person will keep at a difficult activity without becoming frustrated or giving up.    

Often what determines whether a child's temperament is problematic is a parent's perception of the child's temperament. What constitutes a challenge is a matter of parental perception and the fit between the parent and child. For example a parent who is active and likes to ski, hike, take walks and play ball will value a high activity level in a child where as a sedentary parent would likely find a highly active child challenging. On the other hand a shy parent may be happy to have an outgoing child who finds it easier to approach people.  

It is only when temperament traits get in the way of learning and relationships that problems occur.  In most cases allowances and adjustments in a parent's routine and approach are all that are needed to best work with their child's temperament while still honoring their own.  

Here is a short online quiz called, "Temperament: How do you and your child compare?"  The results of the quiz provide a graph comparing the parent and child temperament traits and it provides parenting suggestions based on the comparison.
http://tvoparents.tvo.org/temperamentquiz

Understanding who our children are hard wired to be nurtures acceptance and hopefully appreciation for their uniqueness.

For further reading;

Parenting By Temperament by Nancy Harkey Ph.D

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Temperament-Full-Revised-Edition/dp/1478146184/ref=pd_sim_b_3?ie=UTF8&refRID=0MVN6VBSBYMJP0NX64K3

Research (for Vespa's Mom, Emily, a researcher, and others who want to read studies);

http://www.acamedia.info/sciences/sciliterature/origin_of_personality.htm

http://www.unige.ch/fapse/emotion/tests/temperament/publications/ejds_02_01_zentner.pdf

                                           

6 Great Things About Adoption

Today on my brother's birthday I am thinking about the joys of adoption.  We are siblings through adoption.  There are many reasons I think adoption is wonderful, these are just a few from my personal experience.

1. Best Gift - All children are a gift and for me adoption is the best gift of all because this is how I got a brother. When my brother was 9 years old a bully at his school was teasing him about being adopted.  My brother's response was excellent.  He said, "My parents picked me and yours were stuck with you".
2. Superior Gene Pool - My brother is more easy going, patient and gracious than I am. Temperament traits have a biological basis influenced by environment.  We had the same environment.
3. Parenting Practice - I am 13 years older than my brother and gained great parenting experience caring for a baby. 
4. Keeps Parents Young - My parents were 41when we adopted my brother.  Keeping up with him kept our parents active and fit.  My Dad learned to ski at 50 because his 9 year old son wanted to learn.  
5. Baby of the Family - After my brother's arrival I was no longer the baby of the family.  As our parents focused on their baby I enjoyed my teen years with very little parental interference.
6. Greatest Sibling Names - My brother and I have the same name. He is Don and I am Dawn. Yes, it is absolutely nuts and makes for a great story. Leave a Happy Birthday Greeting for Don in the comments section if you want to know how this came about.

In the birth announcement my parents placed in their local newspaper they wrote, "Announcing the arrival of our chosen son". I think this is beautiful and it says it all.  Happy Birthday Don! Your birthday was a gift to me.

For adoption resources and support click here http://www.nacac.org

10 Tips To Help Kids "Listen"

 Do you ever feel kids just “don’t listen”? Young children have some fundamental differences in hearing perception that inhibit communication. Here are 10 tips to encourage “listening”.

 1.  Auditory Figure Ground - Children have a harder time than adults separating speech from     background noise. Even though your child may look at you when you say their name in a noisy environment the rest of what you say is likely lost in a sea of sounds. Get close, make eye contact and speak up.

 2.  Auditory Memory – Young children have a hard time remembering long directions. As a rule of thumb young children can remember one direction per year of age. “Put your shoes on and get your coat” is two directions. Use few words, short sentences and give one direction at a time rather than several in a row.

 3.  Auditory Brain Stem Response– Due to brain differences girls process speech faster than boys. When speaking to young children use fewer words and talk more slowly so they have an easier time processing what you say. This is especially important for boys.

 4.  Girls Have More Sensitive Hearing – Girls perceive men’s deeper voices as louder. A man’s increased volume when speaking to girls may be perceived as yelling. Men should speak to girls in a slightly lower volume.

 5.  Boys Perceive Women’s Voices as Quiet – Women should try to increase their volume and/or get close when speaking to boys, making it easier for boys to “hear” them.

 6.  Women Have a Confusing Inflection – Even when making declarative statements women have an inflection at the end of speaking that may be perceived as questioning. “Time to go” may be heard as “Time to go?”

 7.  Temporary Threshold Shift – Exposure to loud noise creates a temporary hearing loss and over time causes a permanent hearing loss. Children’s car seats are generally on the back seat of a car between the sound system speakers. Turning up the volume beyond conversational levels will give your child a temporary hearing loss that will last up to 24 hours.

 8.  Yelling Shuts Down Listening – Yelling at children puts them in a state of “fight or flight” and creates an automatic reaction to run or “fight” back. This shuts down “listening” and cooperation. 

9.  Give a Warning - Get your child’s attention before you speak to them. Say your child’s name and let them know you want to talk to them such as, “John, I’d like to talk to you for a minute” or “John, please look at me. I want to talk to you”. See # 10 below

 10.  Eye Contact – Studies show 7% of any message is expressed with words, 38% with vocal elements and 55% through non-verbal elements. Make eye contact with your child to make sure you are both looking at each other and engaged in communication.